I felt like a truly KL-ites last weekend.
I went back on Friday, stayed overnight at Elaine's place. Managed to tell Shaz about that 'secret letter' I sent to Azhani. I must tell someone, as I could not keep it to myself anymore. Shaz said it would be so nice if I get my happy ending, I thought so too. Told Shaz, that we are supposed to have a farewell lunch on Monday (yesterday) and I am anxious to his reaction/non reaction.
On Saturday, managed to drop some of the books that my bos gave for these orphanage at the An-Najjah foundation . Brought my sister and mum as well. Later went to karaoke with Shaz n the gang. Went back and had some grocery shopping with mum and my sister.
On Sunday, went to shop for tudung, I bought 6 tudung in total. I can't remember when was the last time that I went for tudung shopping spree..;) Later picks up my niece and nephew and took them to Tesco and we had lunch there. Both of them were treated to play in the park.
I truly spent my days during the weekend well. I spent time with family, frens and also did some charity. Got back to PD on Monday morning and straight to work. Tired!!
During lunch, as I predicted, Azhani did not show any signs that he have received the letter. The best is he smiled at me like he would to any other people.....(sigh.....) I think he is officially not available and he is treating as it has never happened. That's it!! My one time courage gone down the drain.
It will be quite some time that I will have the same audicity or at least feel that sort of feeling again....Patience....that is what I keep telling myself for now. I am hanging on.
I could not sleep last night, I was tossing and turning and could not even sleep. Lately because of this one person I have been reciting Yassin before going to sleep. Since I am still on my menstruation cycle, I forgo that regime few days ago.
I have been thinking about Azhani for I don't know how many days now. An ustaz told me before if you want somebody, recite the last 2 lines of Yassin, right when you are about to go to sleep and continue reciting whilst thinking of the person, Insyaallah that person, if he'she meant to be yours, they will be.
I have thought of doing that to Shahrul before but I don't see a future with him, so the drive is not so strong. Thinking of Azhani, I don't think I can let go unless I tried. I have been thinking of writing him a short note to express my interest in getting to know him better, but I just couldn't find the courage to write and send the note.
Somehow last night, the thought was so strong that I just could not ignore. I keep on playing with the words over and over again and with the little tiny bit of courage, here was what I wrote....
Assalamualaikum..
Sorry if this letter bothers you.
I think you are a nice person and I like you. Wish to know you better.
If you are married,engaged,dating someone, in a relationship, going after someone or anything of that sort, please treat this as it never happen.
p/s: Ideally I would say that this letter will self-destruct but I just I don't know how to do it. So appreciate that this would be for your eyes only. Thanks.
XXXX(my name)
I folded the A4 paper and staple it, write his name on the recepient and tuck it in the company's envelope and staple it again. On my way out, I put the letter on the out tray for internal mail.
Right now I am feeling the agony of waiting for his reaction/ non-reaction. Its OK, since that his company almost finishes the work here, high chance that I would not see him again...so that I can spare the embarasment.. Worst case scenario, he is married and now laughing as he is reading my letter.
I would refrain myself from going to his area until his company demob from our site. What is done, is done. The first time ever I have the courage to express my intention to another living soul. If it turns out not OK, then let it be...he's not meant for me.
I know that my attitude is as if I waving off the white flag already, but I guess that's just me, always preparing for the worst.
