~hitam putih kehidupan~

I have had my shares with guys, yet I have never been in a romantic relationship. All I had was few friends, one or two closed male friends and one really special friend (he declared it first before I jumped in the bandwagon. He is Shahrul)

We started off just like any other classmate. Nothing special, we never even had a decent conversation. He is the star of the class and I am Miss Nobody. Somehow or rather we became quite close as we share a lot in common. When both of us pursue the same degree, I guess we became close friend. This is after 3-4 years of frienship. I do not really make good frens with guys as compared to girls. I do have trust issue with guys...

He started slacking off and I was there to support him. At the same time his personal relationship started to fell apart and I think I was among the few shoulders that he cried on. I was caught offguard when he sends me messages saying that I am special. I too was in a way hoping that the relationship to be more than just a friend.

By this time I would have given all my heart to him if only he asked. I know deep inside that he has the same feeling although might not be as intense as how I feel for him. I kept it to myself and was on his back in whatever that he do. Come graduation time, we parted ways. He became more distant. Messages such as 'I miss you' and 'You are special to me' keeps on coming in without any directions. I made up my mind to confront him but he never once wants to meet me. I express it all in a blog as third party and he gets the point. He apologize for leading me on to think that something could have happened between us. I said I forgave him but deep inside I never was....

Contacts were cut off, I deleted him from my frienster list and because we did not hang out with the same circle, there was basically nothing....I miss him like mad and right until now I don't think that I will feel the same way that I feel to him to other person.

Last week I came upon his work mail add. He still sends email to me occasionally (more like once a year). Among classmate we had strings of email that we circulate around and each person adds in new add once we've got to know his/her whereabouts.

I was deliberating the whole afternoon.....(since he slacked off, graduated separately from the rest and I was the only one who still mantain contacts with him, I was the only one who knows it). I feel it is unfair to me to leave him out there, as if disconnecting bridges between us classmates. I have decided to put all the bitter memories with him aside. Let him come back into the loop. I might still have some feelings for him but I would rather let it slide....Have I forgiven him? I don't know.....but then again, who am I to decide whether or not to forgive somebody. I am no better human than he is.

Ya Allah...give me strength to focus on whatever that I am doing right now and please take care of my heart so that I will not feel that hurt again....Amiinnn.....

Petikan di bawah adalah dari buletin seorang kawan...kelakar gile...a nice read...hahahaha..

Di bawah ni dinyatakan isi kandungan manifesto BA utk rakyat selangor...rakyat selangor je...KL,Penang,Perak lain citer...renung2 kan lah...

1. bil air kadar rm35 dan kebawah diberi percuma...syok ooo..kakak aku xpyh bayar bil air...
2. petrol turun 30sen..utk rakyat sgor jelah...nnt kalo nak p mane2 kene pakai name tag kot..tu lah yg "sahabat2" aku nak...
3. harga tol di sgor turun...:D ni aku suke..blh ulang alik ke KL pegi kelab ari2...kan?kan?kan?:P
4. suri rumah x bekerja dpt elaun rm200...fuhh..ni paling syok..mak aku suke..mak ko pun msti suke kan? lo...mak ko x dpt lah..mak ko dok johor...
5. sume yuran sekolah dan ipta free...yebeda beduuuuuuuuu...syoknye kwn2 aku yg amek masters...xpyh korg susah2 byr yuran...
6. bayaran rawatan hspital free..ni aku nak tgk....dah kalo sume free ada untung ka?
7. khairat kematian rm2k utk semua rakyat yg berumur 60 tahun ke atas utk sume bangsa dan agama...
8. semua rakyat sgor dpastikan dpt beli rumah ikut kemampuan....alhamdulillah..jgn janji tggl janji tau...
9. yg ni paling BEST...semua rakyat sgor yg dewasa dpastikan mpunyai pekerjaan...ok..kepada wakil2 rakyatpasti BA..apelagi..aku ni ha dh 5 blnx dpt keje...janji tetap jnji....btl xkwn2?
10. semua gejala sosial akn dibasmi hingga ke akar umbi...koman sgtlah...mule2 haramkan kelab..tu lahpunca gejalasosial...arak,maksiat,apelagi...bohjan..bosia...mak nyah...kelab mlm & pub tuharamkan...bakar bagi hangus
11. basmi rasuah tnp mengira pangkat dan kedudukan...oklah...cube try test tgk ada perubahan ke tak...
12. basmi segala jenis jenayah..bagus..rogol..pecah rumah..curik ayam jiran sebelah..seks bebas..jenayah kan?

tu je lah manifesto yg smpai rmhaku...oops..ada lg satu...manifesto BA jg..ish..berapa byk manifestoda....ada lagi ni...aku tuntut...

1. mbuka tabung permulaan rm100 bg setiap anak kelahiran SGOR...meh lah ramai2 dok p beranak kat sgor deh
2. beri bantuan 75 sebulan bg setiap anak yg dhantar ke nurseri..best niwoo..lepas lah duit minyak seminggu...
3. beri batuan 50 sebulan seorg bg pndidikan pra-sekolah
4. beri hadiah rm1k kpd anak sgor yg dpt tawaran ke unibersiti..waaa....baiknye diorg...dgbagi free blajar u..ni bg hadiahlak....aik...asyik mberi je...bile nak kaya negara kita ni...
5. beri bantuan/biasiswa utk anak sgor....:D
6. ni yg best ni..aku bangga dok sgor...beri bantuan kpd anak2 muda utkmdirikan rumah tangga...

dah byk lagi lah...xlarat aku nakbaca...berpuluh2 muka surat...jgningat aku buat citer lak...x caya mehdtg rumah aku..kita pakat kajimanifesto...aku suke kaji mengkajini..:D mak aku lak x sabar2 nak dpt elaun rm200..aku pun syok jg...so fikir2 kanlah tuan2 danpuan2...sape2 nak share lagi manifestosilalah...aku suke bab2 mengkajini...org johor rugilah ye tak ?

.........hehehehe...no comment, promises has been made, people has been fooled and time to keep the promises no matter at what cost :)...hahahahaaa.... we'll see.

I have been trying for ages to loose weight. Early this year, I started again, this time I am aiming to loose probably few decent kilo in preparation for next shut down in June.

Last year we had another shut down in March and being BIG and FAT as I am, I do turn many heads, a 90+ kg woman walking around in coverall climbing columns and entering vessels, instructing stuffs to a bunch of guys. Yup, I do stands out, and for not so good reason.

I am a very private person. People only know what they see. Anything beyond that I would not disclose and surely being at the centre of attention is not to my liking. Hence, for this coming shut down, I am planning to slim down untill when I am in coverall, people don't really recognise me and I will not turn any head anymore. Hopefully I am able to do that. To-date I have lost a good 3kg in my first month.

I have to keep the motivation high to achieve my target before June. I want to do this quietly and and the rest of the ppl did not realise how much pounds I have shed off.

Ya Allah....give me strength to wake up in the wee hours to exercise and give me patience to control my urge to eat.....Amin.......