~hitam putih kehidupan~

I have had my shares with guys, yet I have never been in a romantic relationship. All I had was few friends, one or two closed male friends and one really special friend (he declared it first before I jumped in the bandwagon. He is Shahrul)

We started off just like any other classmate. Nothing special, we never even had a decent conversation. He is the star of the class and I am Miss Nobody. Somehow or rather we became quite close as we share a lot in common. When both of us pursue the same degree, I guess we became close friend. This is after 3-4 years of frienship. I do not really make good frens with guys as compared to girls. I do have trust issue with guys...

He started slacking off and I was there to support him. At the same time his personal relationship started to fell apart and I think I was among the few shoulders that he cried on. I was caught offguard when he sends me messages saying that I am special. I too was in a way hoping that the relationship to be more than just a friend.

By this time I would have given all my heart to him if only he asked. I know deep inside that he has the same feeling although might not be as intense as how I feel for him. I kept it to myself and was on his back in whatever that he do. Come graduation time, we parted ways. He became more distant. Messages such as 'I miss you' and 'You are special to me' keeps on coming in without any directions. I made up my mind to confront him but he never once wants to meet me. I express it all in a blog as third party and he gets the point. He apologize for leading me on to think that something could have happened between us. I said I forgave him but deep inside I never was....

Contacts were cut off, I deleted him from my frienster list and because we did not hang out with the same circle, there was basically nothing....I miss him like mad and right until now I don't think that I will feel the same way that I feel to him to other person.

Last week I came upon his work mail add. He still sends email to me occasionally (more like once a year). Among classmate we had strings of email that we circulate around and each person adds in new add once we've got to know his/her whereabouts.

I was deliberating the whole afternoon.....(since he slacked off, graduated separately from the rest and I was the only one who still mantain contacts with him, I was the only one who knows it). I feel it is unfair to me to leave him out there, as if disconnecting bridges between us classmates. I have decided to put all the bitter memories with him aside. Let him come back into the loop. I might still have some feelings for him but I would rather let it slide....Have I forgiven him? I don't know.....but then again, who am I to decide whether or not to forgive somebody. I am no better human than he is.

Ya Allah...give me strength to focus on whatever that I am doing right now and please take care of my heart so that I will not feel that hurt again....Amiinnn.....