Seriously, I have no idea. One minute I am so determined to work my ass off and provide my family a better life, another minute I wish that I can just run away, work waiting tables somewhere, travel the world, don't have to care of anything.
I am not happy, that is what I know for sure. Today the newest member of the company's board of director came down here. We, the ladies had the opportunity to hear her words on wisdom, her takes on life and how did she get to where she is right now. She shared mostly on how to make it work, especially for those who are married, and that has never left to make me feel rather inadequate. To add salt to injury, in my circle, the ladies are trickling down the aisle, one by one are signing their life away to a man. Me? status quo. Past 3 days I was working in the control room 16 hrs a day, and yet not a single soul tried to make a decent conversation with me. Am I that ugly? I know I never showed any verbal/nonverbal language to show that I am interested to anybody.
But seriously, out of some odd 20 ppl, not even one would like to speak to me? I can see the pros and cons. The con is, I am not physically qualified to be spoken to, not even by any standard of men. So if I could not make these men that I see 16 hrs a day to speak to me (baru cakap ek..bukan suruh bercinta ngan aku okay..) what do I expect from any other man out there, yup, I know, I should not expect anything, don't even hope to be noticed, never once and never will.
The pros that I can see is that Allah is protecting me. I always prayed that whoever Allah decided to be my life partner, protect us till the day we meet each other, till we are halal for each other. So I guess that must be it. From a simple conversation, thing can lead to something bigger, and in my case, Allah has prevented even the step no 1 from happening. I am blessed.
Yes, as much as I want people (men) to start noticing me, I should always remind myself, Allah is answering my prayer by protecting me. That must be it. InsyaAllah...
Enough about me and him (yang memang sampai kapan pon tak jadik...) Now all of this will be about me.
I live with a housemate but we could go on for days without exchanging a single word. I normally don't tell her stuffs and she normally did not too. We respect each others spaces and I guess that is the reason why I feel so lonely. I never had a 'kepochi' in my life. Nobody has been busybody enough to dig what am I feeling, yada..yada...So I have gotten used to just shut up and keep all bottled up inside.
I think I can go on for days without any people calling me, or SMS me.
Well, I am pledging to let it all out here. If I don't have anybody, I know Allah is there, always, and the fact that Allah created the genius mind to come up with this, is also another way out.
So how do I feel today? Better than yesterday, but could have been better.
Anything I would like to share? I know some people are keeping their disctance from me. Prove that I am in the bottom of their list, accepting the fact. I never question people's motive to be friend with me, (aku bukan Britney or Miley) but when people start shutting me out, I fell apart all over again. I seemed to be not learning that in the end, its me alone against the world. So why bother when people start alienating me?
What I should do better next working day? (hari biasa, I pretty much on top of my day, but lately my work performance has been deteriorating quite bad)
Maybe sebab endless family issue, maybe because I am slacking off, maybe because I am a spinster, but all of that is no reason to do bad in my job. After all, I still have family to take care of. So next Monday, I hope I can do better. How? I just have to keep focus on job at hand.
Backlogs, I know that is a lot. But let me deal with this first OK? I know people here don't like me because I am not a good worker anyway. I hope I can do better, I really do. I promise myself to do better.
I guess that is it for today, till then...daa...
