Am having the time of the month, estrogen tak cukup (yaka?) hence a bit emotional (bukan vice-versa?) Entahla...Had period pain, dah dua hari...today my cramps are not as bad, but the back pain is getting worse. Not sure whether it is the real back pain, or camouflage by period pain. And at times like this I hope I have somebody that can help me ease the pain, I just need someone to rub my back.
Yesterday, I was on sick leave, food supplies was running low, I ran out of rice. Not in the mood to be creative. Despite the pain, I still need to gather some strength and go out to buy food. Pathetic, I know. But what can I do?
But when I think again, maybe I don't deserve any of it. Maybe Allah has not given it to me because it was not mine to begin with. I mean, what kind of burden would I be to a man, having to face my cramps month in and month out? What about this back pain that would never ever go away? I doubt if I am ever able to perform my duty as a wife, with a broken hips probably..hahahaha...
Seriously, if I am a man, I would not even consider taking myself as a wife, not with this condition. So how do I move on? Stop hoping for anything to happen. I take care of myself. No matter what happen.
I was in singapore last weekend. Got there because of work, but I took the opportunity to meet with my second crush...hehehe...
I pretty much remembers all my crushes, but hey, this one is dedicated to him. We were in the same class since standard 1 till standard 6. I only realized that I may have a crush on him when I was in standard 6? probably...
Anyhoo...I contacted him, and lucky that he still remembers me and agreed to meet up :) We promised to meet in front of Takashimaya at 8pm. I got there some 30 mins earlier, as I am not familiar with the place, hence I hate to be lost and late. He was punctual, but he didn't see me. I went up to him. Upon saying hi, he put his hands on my back like all the mat saleh do. (He's a Chinese, and I don't think he think that is not appropriate) Plus, it was a friendly gesture, I don't see the harm in that. But for me, knowing that how much I badly need a hug, left me to want more.
I even fantasized during some school reunion in 2003, if I see him there, I would pull him over and just hug him. He is comfortably taller than I am. So if and when I hug him, I will be safely rested on his chest, easily. And I think I can just rest there, for a moment, forgot about everything and settle in his arm....Well, a girl can always dream, rite?
We met again next day when he passed me a free theater ticket, and upon parting, same gesture took place. I had it played in my mind just to hug him. He may be suprised, but I don't think he will resist it. Its just a hug, I bet he have hugged many chicks before ;p
But I sort of dissappointed that I did not loose control, which means, I did not hug him...
Until I find someone who is halal for me, I hope to be given the strength to hold myself. I might loose it if I see him again. Except that I am not sure when the next time will be....
Its been a while since I last pour my heart out in this column...I seriously don't know what I am busy with. TA is coming yet again!! and to my horror suprised, Azhani, is one of the main contractor that I will be seeing again this year!! Yes, we keep seeing the same people over and over again.
I have to keep telling myself, for what its worth, do not think about it anymore. I have more important things to do. I am not worthy of any man's love, at least not yet. So why bother? I have to concentrate on my work. Do better, and try to get out of this place in 2 years time, seriously....
Nowadays I am religiously watching this one sinetron, Kemilau Cinta Kamila. Its a normal sinetron, with cute actress and all, but what I like the most is that both the main cast is committed to each other without realising their true feeling towards one another, and of course, there was LOTSS of hugging scene, which I loike!!! Seeing them hug, I now know my preference, I like tall guy..so that when we hug, I can rest comfortably on his chest. But this preference is an issue to me, because you see, my height is 162-163 cm, which is slightly above the average height of many women. Man, I am as tall as most of my male colleague...so for me to get a tall guy, they would have to be a rare species, not many that is running around that I see.
When I look at Fadil and Kamila, it just reaffirms my believe that one most single affectionate act ever, is hugging....really. A hug can melt all the sorrow, all the pain and agony that you have been carrying thus far. Not only on bad days, good occasions are good reasons to hug as well. And what better way to ask for forgiveness rather that hug it out? Nada....
So there it is, me and my dreams, whether or not it can/will happen, only Allah knows. ;)
p/s: that explains my infatuation of Christiano Ronaldo....hehehehe....
Based on the IPF ranking I did better than last year, but not much better though. Upon more talking with my SV, I realised they penalized me for the mistakes I did in 2009, which I paid a hefty sum on that particular year. Again they use the same point to deny my rights to a better ranking this year. I am pissed, not so much on the ranking, but more of the reason that they used. They can give a low IPF for all I care, but please la, make it fair and square.
Last week I was driven the most. I went to morning meeting almost everyday, I think I did OK, well at least better than the rest of the last year. I realised that almost the whole week that past, I was really hating something or somebody. I was like on revenge mission last week. I was determined and in a way that helped me a lot last week. So if I want to keep the momentum, do I have to keep on hating people? I think I should...hahahaha.....
I have been compared to another person for the past one year. We are doing the same job but on different unit. I know that she is much better than I am. She is seen to be the only one doing the job. While yours truly is seen to be sinking down day by day...Now how do I compete with someone who has a laptop and able to reply to email on Sunday afternoon? My laptop was taken back to reduce cost, besides, I think I can pretty much justify to get a replacement, but what is the point? Do I want to reply email while I was supposed to be lazing around on a Sunday afternoon? I don't think so.
So how do I compete, and yet maintain my social freedom for now? I don't know, but for now I have to renew my anger on weekly basis so that I can do my work better. That should be it, anger drives me, I am screwed......
Last Wednesday, during tazkirah, Farhana indirectly told us that she is taking Masters in Mechanical Engineering. Tersentap jugak waktu tu...I have always thought of doing Masters, that is even included in my 5 year plan. Just that with current rate, the plan may have to be delayed. So memang tersentap bila dengar someone who just started working less than 2 years, 4 years my junior is taking a step ahead mine.
While driving back that night, I told myself, be patient, insyaAllah in 5 years, I may be able to do something about it. Patience, I need those, a lot....
And this morning I saw strings of emails from my classmates. Two more is walking down the aisle. So its official, I am the only one left. Kinda sad huh? but what to do. I have no power over this. I don't even know how to usaha...seriously I am pathetic.
Patience, its all I need right now....
