I finally made a move on the matchmaking website that I was in. However, it was not really a good move. I message a guy that is currently living in EU nation, saying that I found his profile interesting, and if he thinks likewise, I would like to pursue things further.
The instant reply that I get is distance is an issue. Why didn't I think of that? I should have known better, people always-> almost never wanted a relationship that is complicated to begin with. I guess that is why I did not get any messages from other people, not a single one in the last 6 months. The feeling of being rejected is slowly sinking in.
I told myself this morning, 5 years...I have to be patient with all this for another 5 years. I am working at it. I hope by end of 2015, I will be able to move on to something better. InsyaAllah. I am not hoping everything is smooth sailing, but I hope Allah will help me. I just have to be patient and stick to my plan. Else that is beyond my control, I should not be too worried about it. Jodoh for instance. I leave it totally to Allah's hand. Best I can do now is to improve myself.
I must be strong, I must not be weak.
I just finished my 2011 financial planning. Suffice to say I don't have enough money to do Masters in the next 5 years. By end 2016, I will be able to save up money for my family to use. Not for my tuition fee...but I really want it so bad....
Ya Allah, give me strength, lapangkan urusan aku, tunaikanlah permintaan hambamu yang lemah ini...right now, that is my only goal, lepas dah settle duit pi haji sume. nak kawin? jangan harap? bukan takat x cukup duit, xde sapa nak...so redho ja la...
But seriuously, can I wait that long? 2017? that is another freaking 7 years? but if i could not wait, what can I do? its not like i have a super duper brilliant mind that schools and companies are lining up to offer a scholarship. I have to gather my own funds. Sabaq...sabaq....surely, there will be a way. 2017 is the worst case scenario? lets not get the hope too high, why not aim for 2020? bole join Che Det..hehehehehe..
oklah..dah mengarut..ofis pon sejuk beku ni, dari pagi tak buat apa, dok sibok buat financial planning ni..tu la ..tengok benda ni sangat, kan dah gundah gulana...nak balik aa....
Seriously, I have no idea. One minute I am so determined to work my ass off and provide my family a better life, another minute I wish that I can just run away, work waiting tables somewhere, travel the world, don't have to care of anything.
I am not happy, that is what I know for sure. Today the newest member of the company's board of director came down here. We, the ladies had the opportunity to hear her words on wisdom, her takes on life and how did she get to where she is right now. She shared mostly on how to make it work, especially for those who are married, and that has never left to make me feel rather inadequate. To add salt to injury, in my circle, the ladies are trickling down the aisle, one by one are signing their life away to a man. Me? status quo. Past 3 days I was working in the control room 16 hrs a day, and yet not a single soul tried to make a decent conversation with me. Am I that ugly? I know I never showed any verbal/nonverbal language to show that I am interested to anybody.
But seriously, out of some odd 20 ppl, not even one would like to speak to me? I can see the pros and cons. The con is, I am not physically qualified to be spoken to, not even by any standard of men. So if I could not make these men that I see 16 hrs a day to speak to me (baru cakap ek..bukan suruh bercinta ngan aku okay..) what do I expect from any other man out there, yup, I know, I should not expect anything, don't even hope to be noticed, never once and never will.
The pros that I can see is that Allah is protecting me. I always prayed that whoever Allah decided to be my life partner, protect us till the day we meet each other, till we are halal for each other. So I guess that must be it. From a simple conversation, thing can lead to something bigger, and in my case, Allah has prevented even the step no 1 from happening. I am blessed.
Yes, as much as I want people (men) to start noticing me, I should always remind myself, Allah is answering my prayer by protecting me. That must be it. InsyaAllah...
Enough about me and him (yang memang sampai kapan pon tak jadik...) Now all of this will be about me.
I live with a housemate but we could go on for days without exchanging a single word. I normally don't tell her stuffs and she normally did not too. We respect each others spaces and I guess that is the reason why I feel so lonely. I never had a 'kepochi' in my life. Nobody has been busybody enough to dig what am I feeling, yada..yada...So I have gotten used to just shut up and keep all bottled up inside.
I think I can go on for days without any people calling me, or SMS me.
Well, I am pledging to let it all out here. If I don't have anybody, I know Allah is there, always, and the fact that Allah created the genius mind to come up with this, is also another way out.
So how do I feel today? Better than yesterday, but could have been better.
Anything I would like to share? I know some people are keeping their disctance from me. Prove that I am in the bottom of their list, accepting the fact. I never question people's motive to be friend with me, (aku bukan Britney or Miley) but when people start shutting me out, I fell apart all over again. I seemed to be not learning that in the end, its me alone against the world. So why bother when people start alienating me?
What I should do better next working day? (hari biasa, I pretty much on top of my day, but lately my work performance has been deteriorating quite bad)
Maybe sebab endless family issue, maybe because I am slacking off, maybe because I am a spinster, but all of that is no reason to do bad in my job. After all, I still have family to take care of. So next Monday, I hope I can do better. How? I just have to keep focus on job at hand.
Backlogs, I know that is a lot. But let me deal with this first OK? I know people here don't like me because I am not a good worker anyway. I hope I can do better, I really do. I promise myself to do better.
I guess that is it for today, till then...daa...
I don't know when, but I stalked his FB and found out he's engaged in May. And just last few days, he added me in FB and many well wishes congrats him for the marriage.
I sent my last email to him on 14th July, sent my SA trip pics to him. And I vowed that is the last. I grant Allah to give me strength to let it go and move on.
Am trying out the halfourdeen.com as last result. If I can get to find the one, then I'll be glad. But if I don't, then maybe its not meant to be. I have bigger jobs to be done here. I still have my mum to take care off. I still have my Masters to kick start, and later PhD, insyAllah...more things to. Him being married not supposed to affect me in any way.
It was his birthday 2 days ago. I sent him and email with my pictures of recent trip to Cape Town. Suddenly today I feel the urge to peek to his FB page, and so I did.
He got engaged in May, would have expected the wedding to be end of year maybe? during the school holiday. Then it hit me, I would feel really guilty if I still emailing him. I vow to myself that was the last one. Am not gonna send anything anymore. Finito.
Am a bit bluesy from the moment I found out about his engagement, but not as sad that I expected to be though......Maybe I have grown out of him? I hope so, people say time will heal all wounds. I just hope I can forget him.
The part that made me sad the most is that to-date nobody wants me, not in any way imaginable to mankind, pathetic rite? I know. I am praying for Allah to spare me all these feelings, let me not crave for a companion, now or ever, as I am pretty much sure that I will never get married now. Seriously.
Next milestone, go to Hajj, bring my parents with me, insyaAllah...(before that maybe to Brazil...WC 2014) already have friends that have the same interest with, so most likely insyaAllah, i'll go!!
Change new template and I love it :)
I have a mini project that I just kick off last 2 months. I have been trying to loose weight. So far working fine although the progress is slow. Hoping to do my best ;) InsyaAllah.
People may wonder, after all these years, being fat, why the sudden change of direction? Is it because I want to get married? Or I want to impress certain somebody? Well, let me put it here, the top reasons why I want to loose weight:
- I fear for my health. When I started, my BMI is 35. That is freaking obese!!! Now after two months, I am down to 34.2. Still a long way to go to get my BMI down to 20-25 range.
- I settled for a fact that I am never gonna get married. There goes the thought of having someone to take care of me, not to mentioned to have kids. I will grow old alone, and like it or not maybe die alone. Even if I have a hubby, what guarantees that he will be with me till the day I die?
With that thought in mind, I decided not to be a burden. With my heavy weight, I will be a BIG burden. First off, I did not have any husband, or son to carry my dead body. I could not be depending on my 2 nephews. I am not their responsibility. And who is left to carry my soon to be dead body? A bunch of strangers. Its bad enough they have to carry a stranger to graveyard, a heavy one is not an experience someone would look forward to.
I have been thinking about it for quite some time. Its no longer about how people will see me, but more to how I would be such a burden when I die.
Assalamualaikum,
Lama tak contact ko, last was last year..hahaha...macam la busy sangat kan? Ko sihat? Dah kahwin belum? hehehe...soalan lapuk dah ni.... Just to update some of the latest happening in my life. Guess what? I am going to Cape Town, South Africa!!! Aku nak pi tengok World Cup!! serious, tak main-main ni...
I always wanted to experienced that, so in 2008, aku start throwing the ideas to some of my friends. The thing is aku takde kawan lelaki, and kawan pompuan sume bukan jenis minat bola.. so high chance that aku akan pegi sorang. Tapi takpe, aku dah nekad, peluang bukan datang selalu, so, aku pon start la planning....from Dec 2008, start simpan RM 500 per month, utk kumpul RM 10,000 sampai June 2010.
Ticket pon dah confirm. Aku, insyaAllah akan tengok 2 game, satu round of 16, match 56 and another one is quarter final, match 59. Dua-dua kat Cape Town. I only have one female friend going with me. So pompuan melayu 2 orang pi South Africa..hahaha... mak aku risau, siap tanya, kalo tak pergi tak boleh ke? Tapi aku degil, nak jugak pergi..hahaha...dah lama pasang angan2 + simpan duit, takkan nak let go macam tu je kan?
Lagipun aku kenal this lady, native South African, dulu dia keja kat Cape Town, sekarang dia dah balik kg kat Johannesburg. Aku rase takde ape yang nak risau, insyaAllah....orang pergi Palestine pon balik still bernyawa, inikan nak pi tgk bola je, insyaAllah takde ape2 kan?
Flight ticket dah confirm, naik Emirates, transit kat Dubai (dok dlm airport je...)..total 20+ hours perjalanan.. terpaksa la amik transit flight, budget ciput...takleh nak amik direct flight.
Oklah.. tu je la kot nak cite kali ni. Doakan aku selamat pegi and selamat balik. Flight bertolak 27 June kul 2 pagi, balik sini 6 July 9 mlm baru sampai KLIA...so...aku insyaAllah celebrate birthday kat sane!!! celebrate sorang2 + kawan aku sorang...hahaha...
Ok, till next time, adios, assalamualaikum...
Just got my bonus, and finish spending it in no time. That is RM 12K!! One might ask, how did I spend that amount of money in no time, well, let me break it down for you:
RM 5200 : flight ticket to Cape Town (yes, am going there for World Cup!!)
RM 3000 : New PC for my youngest sis (am getting this back after next year's tax calculation, hopefully)
RM 2000: Furniture for my room and the living room
RM 2000: Top up money for the land next to our home.
So there it is.. obligation and more obligation. I just got hit, I actually have more credit card debt than I thought I have. Here is a glimpse of my outstanding debt profile :
PTPTN : RM 17,000
UOB Credit Card : RM 3,500
PB Credit Card : RM 4,500
Hutang Kakdik (This is the money for land next to our home ) : RM 20,000
I have staggered the payment starting from April, with my new reduced salary (because I no longer have the relocation allowance). I'll be settling all the debts within the timeline below:
October 2010 : PB Credit Card
January 2011 : UOB Credit Card
October 2011 : PTPTN
September 2012 : Hutang Kakdik
This all taking into account my salary has been totally used up, no emergency fund, no savings, no allocation for fun at all. The way I see it, I will be on very tight budget until end 2012.
With the rate that I am going, I cannot save for Master for another 5 years. 2015, the year that I plan to get away, might not come true. I hope I have enough strength to pull this through...
One big achievement though, I have managed to cancel off Maybank Credit Card. My immediate aim is to stop all CC transaction, and cancel off all of them by end 2010. InsyaAllah, the target is achieveable, although might be delayed by one month.
As for the Master plan, maybe we'll discuss that later, once I found out how to fork out more money. My priority list will look like this:
1. Settle ALL my outstanding debt (car, house not included) : Total as above, ~RM 45,000
2. Save enough money for me and my parents to go for Hajj : Another ~ RM 45,000
3. Save enough money for my parents to survived with my absence, ~ RM 900,00!!! (4% interest makes RM 36,000/year, so I plan for them to live of the interest!!)
It turns out I did a wrong calculation earlier, and since there is too much huha with ASB, I decided to earn the interest via Tabung Haji. Looking at that figure, I can only do my Master when? When I am way...past my retirement age....I need a back up plan.
Maybe I can try to save enough money for my parents to live comfortably for the first two years I will be away (RM 72,000). InsyaAllah, once I get to where I want to do my Master, I'll work my ass off, get a tutor job, or just find any job on campus, off campus, whatever....to send back RM 3000 per month, which translate to, if I go to Euro, will be around 500 EU. I have to make this works. I am not going to be here forever. I have to start planning, plotting from now!!!
My rough calculation says that I will be clearing all my other debt in March 2012. So I will start saving in Apr 2012, and reach my target in March 2015. I might actually be able to do this!!!
Ya Allah, please give me strength to do this, please let me be strong, dilligent and discipline to save. No more temptations to go on any more crazy trips...
**all of these planning did not include inflation rate..huhuhu...
I know how to deal with my problem in previous post, just treat all these guys as 'eye candy'. Safe strategy, even Kara think so about the new season's AI contestant, Casey James..hahaha..
With that, I don't really feel guilty for liking to look or feeling comfortable with a person for a short period of time ;)
I watched 90210 just now. Out of all the vain teen drama, I like this the most. Tonite's episode, Silver's mom was buried, and Teddy skip the funeral despite helping Silver deals with her sick mom and always by her side. He did send a bouquet of flowers to her though. So Silver went on to check up Teddy and find out why he missed the funeral. Teddy was kind of ashamed, he thinks that he is a coward, for having no courage to face funeral (having skip his mom's funeral previously as well).
Silver comforted him, assuring that he is not a coward, and in the scene, they were so close and the next comforting to do was to HUG him. I mean this is not just a 2 seconds hug. This is a real big comforting hug. I get all warm and fuzzy just by watching it. Its the same feeling that I had when I watched Takashi & Amane hugs in Jap drama With Love.
It is the best comfort that you can feel. Being in someone else's arm. Hold on to completely and just feel that somebody is with you. It is also to me, the most affectionate act one can do or receive, be it among lovers, friends, mother-kids, even student-teacher. It tops kissing in the romance department (not that I have any). I thing I would give anything for a big, warm, enclosing hug.
Anybody could use a hug, anytime. When I get married, I'll hug him everyday.
I have issues. I am lonely but for now am pretty sure I will be like this forever, pretty much very sure.
See, I was working past 4 days, and believe it or not, spend quite an amount of time inside (CCB) one particular person that I spend most of my time with, is Khairul. And I enjoyed his company, what is wrong with me? he's married!!! I seem to like married ppl nowadays.
Well, not many ppl talk to me eventhough I am the only girl inside for the past few days, and he was always talk to me when I go in. I noticed that he looks to my face quite often, which I don't think anybody ever do it. Although I didn;t really speak to him the way I used to talk with Shahrul, I like his company. So imagine spending almost 16 hrs of the day (2 days) with him in my sight, it does makes me go crazy. And he was on leave yesterday, today he is in, but I stopped going in already, just stay put at my place. I called the panel without any expectation, but he picks up, suddenly I realised, I missed being inside CCB with him....oh what is wrong with me?
I think if only he was not married, we will have a good chance to being a couple. And NO, I am not going to pursue a married man. Its just that I feel comfortable with him, I laughed at his joke, he laughed at mine. Basically, if it wasn't for him, I think none of the rest will speak to me. This is dead wrong.....seriously wrong....and I hate myself for feeling this.
Ya Allah, tolong...please send someone to me, someone that will find happiness being with me and I will find happiness with him, someone that is not affliated to any other person, Ya Allah, I am begging you, please help me......
I have another blog, where I put most of my daily encounters, things that ticks me, experiences, etc... This one I have never published anywhere, and I will never will.
Yesterday a trainee asked me why I hate Chelsea, I was like what??? and then he told me he read my blog. I don't know how in the hell he ends up there. I mean he wasn't even in my FB or FS list. Its kinda creepy and flattering at the same time. Seriously, on one hand I have more readers (not that I am aiming for it anyway) and on the other hand, I actually have people around me reading my thoughts and sometimes, my vents. Well, I don't plan to privatise, so I have to be extra carefull on putting things there from now on. You never know who will be reading it. Unlike this blog, I have not told a single soul that I have this alternate outlet. Not going to....
So you lucky readers (if at all there is any...) I will publish my alternate blog, just so you have an idea what my other thoughts are all about. Maybe after 2-3 months, I'll change this link again...hahahaha.....my blog, I can do whatever I want, and its a broad cyberspace out here.....
I took a look at my 2010 financial planning, things does not look good, I was spending way more than I earned and now committed to more things that I could pay for.
So I forecasted my monthly spending up to Dec 2010, by June I'll be deprived of relocation allowance that is total of RM2700. So my June paycheck would be 2000 short whereas I could only cut down the expense of RM1000.
Plus I still have mountains of CC debt to be paid off. I also still have PTPTN debt, not to mentioned my house renovation work have to put on hold. This is all after accounting that I have no savings at all!!
The only one that I have is the Unit Trust money with CIMB, which is good as I don't see it anywhere. Am glad that I made the decision much earlier.. ..
All in all, I am badly screwed. I make it a point to pay off as much debt as I can for this year. My cash flow is below the poverty line. I have to make this works!!!
I have set up KPI's for this year, more focus in order for me to do better at work. Let see how I did in the first 2 weeks of this year...
KPI 1 : To attend operation morning meeting at least more than 2 times a week
Week 1 : 3 oo 5 - good
Week 2 : 2 oo 4 - so-so (blame the 4 working days)
KPI 2: Talk in the meeting when they go round table (at least once a week)
Week 1 : Once
Week 2 : Once
(This one am not planning to increase, just keep it up-> purely for visibility purposes
KPI 3: Contribute valueable learning in monthly report (at least once every month)
Month 1 : Apart from PSA update, am still scratching my head for this months topic)
KPI 4: Respond to email on the same day
Currently working on this, some still got delayed but not as bad as last year..
I think I deserve a pat on the back for the past 2 weeks performance. Let's hope I can at least mantain it throughout the year, InsyaAllah ;)
Before I logged in, many things were flying in my mind, now that the window is opened, my mind is blank.......
I know, lets talk about work, I received a bad feedback. Basically I have not been doing very well. Indeed I knew it, and I felt it as well, I know that one thing for sure that I has been bogged down by countless family issues. Those type of problem that won't just go away. I need to shift my focus, learn to isolate personal and work. I used to be good at that. Anything happen at home, I can still deliver during study time.
I guess its much different environment now. When I was studying, it all hangs in the final exam, I can always relax, take it easy and only work my butt off till the very last minute, and I can still score. But working requires daily stamina, daily renewed motivation. You are not allowed to make mistakes. Today I was talking to a colleague, I realize that the appraisal is actually a fault finding process, a way to slash someone down so that the company won't have to pay you big bonus, that must be it. This guy that I talk to is to me very good, but still his boss is not putting good words for him.
I have promised myself to do better, how? Here are few things that I plan to do:
- Attend the morning meeting at least 3 times a week, the more the better (I did this when I first came in 3 years ago,it works..people 'see' you everyday, so they 'assume' you are doing your work....
- Produce good piece of work at least once a month
- Respond/reply incoming mail on the same day - Boon Yaw did this, and look where he is now..
- Copy everybody in the world for work that I do?? - not my style, only when necessary
- Set up KPI for myself (done as above), few items to add. Since I am not vocal and not seen as engaging others, I have to ensure that I spend at least 2 minutes updating these managers (once a week) . I just hate updating my big boss, always that I'll end up having more things to do...
- Anything else will be updated later....
I guess that's it, will try my best, I will be losing my relocation allowance starting June, so I must exercise some self discipline in terms of budget.. wish me luck :)
