~hitam putih kehidupan~

For the past few days I have been crying every night. be it because of a movie, during prayer, or when I was reading old post that I have written in my journal for the past few years.

It hurts, somehow I am getting more sensitive nowadays. Each small little things can make me shed a tear. I don't want to be weak. They say it good to cry but if its too often what good does it make?

I just hope that I can be stronger and not easily touched by all these small stuffs. I have to!! I am living this life alone and I have to be prepared for this....Ya Allah, please make me strong, give me enough strength to get through my life..

Was with my girlfrens last weeked. Saturday was Shaz's bday and Sunday was some schoolmate's wedding. Somehow Elaine ask me about 'the letter thingy'.

Elaine: So what's the update?
Me: Nothing, he didn't respond..
Elaine: How do you feel?
Me: Ehm....
Elaine: Tak frust ke?
Me: Sikit la..
Elaine: Sikit je?
Me: I guess...I think he's too nice guy, mean he won't bring that up if at all he is not available...but I'm quite sure he's not married.
Elaine: I think he's involved with someone..
Me: It's a good thing that I met him, it sort of give us hope, ade lagi orang baik macam ni....(sigh...)

That's it. To be honest I am sad, frustrated but I learned to deal with this even before I knew the answers. Bet you if anybody ever expressed their interest in me, I would be damn thrilled and would probably reduced to tears..not kidding.
I know for a fact nobody that I know has ever had any desire on me, even if I find one, I would be very grateful.

I felt like a truly KL-ites last weekend.

I went back on Friday, stayed overnight at Elaine's place. Managed to tell Shaz about that 'secret letter' I sent to Azhani. I must tell someone, as I could not keep it to myself anymore. Shaz said it would be so nice if I get my happy ending, I thought so too. Told Shaz, that we are supposed to have a farewell lunch on Monday (yesterday) and I am anxious to his reaction/non reaction.

On Saturday, managed to drop some of the books that my bos gave for these orphanage at the An-Najjah foundation . Brought my sister and mum as well. Later went to karaoke with Shaz n the gang. Went back and had some grocery shopping with mum and my sister.

On Sunday, went to shop for tudung, I bought 6 tudung in total. I can't remember when was the last time that I went for tudung shopping spree..;) Later picks up my niece and nephew and took them to Tesco and we had lunch there. Both of them were treated to play in the park.

I truly spent my days during the weekend well. I spent time with family, frens and also did some charity. Got back to PD on Monday morning and straight to work. Tired!!

During lunch, as I predicted, Azhani did not show any signs that he have received the letter. The best is he smiled at me like he would to any other people.....(sigh.....) I think he is officially not available and he is treating as it has never happened. That's it!! My one time courage gone down the drain.

It will be quite some time that I will have the same audicity or at least feel that sort of feeling again....Patience....that is what I keep telling myself for now. I am hanging on.

I could not sleep last night, I was tossing and turning and could not even sleep. Lately because of this one person I have been reciting Yassin before going to sleep. Since I am still on my menstruation cycle, I forgo that regime few days ago.

I have been thinking about Azhani for I don't know how many days now. An ustaz told me before if you want somebody, recite the last 2 lines of Yassin, right when you are about to go to sleep and continue reciting whilst thinking of the person, Insyaallah that person, if he'she meant to be yours, they will be.

I have thought of doing that to Shahrul before but I don't see a future with him, so the drive is not so strong. Thinking of Azhani, I don't think I can let go unless I tried. I have been thinking of writing him a short note to express my interest in getting to know him better, but I just couldn't find the courage to write and send the note.

Somehow last night, the thought was so strong that I just could not ignore. I keep on playing with the words over and over again and with the little tiny bit of courage, here was what I wrote....

Assalamualaikum..

Sorry if this letter bothers you.
I think you are a nice person and I like you. Wish to know you better.
If you are married,engaged,dating someone, in a relationship, going after someone or anything of that sort, please treat this as it never happen.

p/s: Ideally I would say that this letter will self-destruct but I just I don't know how to do it. So appreciate that this would be for your eyes only. Thanks.

XXXX(my name)

I folded the A4 paper and staple it, write his name on the recepient and tuck it in the company's envelope and staple it again. On my way out, I put the letter on the out tray for internal mail.

Right now I am feeling the agony of waiting for his reaction/ non-reaction. Its OK, since that his company almost finishes the work here, high chance that I would not see him again...so that I can spare the embarasment.. Worst case scenario, he is married and now laughing as he is reading my letter.

I would refrain myself from going to his area until his company demob from our site. What is done, is done. The first time ever I have the courage to express my intention to another living soul. If it turns out not OK, then let it be...he's not meant for me.

I know that my attitude is as if I waving off the white flag already, but I guess that's just me, always preparing for the worst.

I am going to turn to 27 this midnight and not exactly sure how I feel. Glad that I have made it one more year and still surviving. At the same time, I am sad....the fact that I still have not found the one yet.

I am in the middle of plant shut down and being female do creates lots of attention. Despite me being fat, not pretty, I do catch many eyes. But someone caught my eye..his name is Azhani, I like him, he looks kinda good man. He prays..(at least that's what I saw), he doesn't smoke (that's what I think). He's single?? (this one I'm a bit puzzled...he is 32, can he still be single?? but he doesn't look like married, he doesn't have the belly and my instinct says that he is still single..)

He is the among the contractors (managerial position). There was one particular day last week that I seem to bumped into him outside of the site for quite few time. First is 24th June, I came to work quite early at 7am and I saw this Vios cruise past about the same time. While driving back, he overtook my car whilst I was about to pull over to buy dinner. Before that I sort of assume that the car is his. I never have seen him driving or getting into the car but somehow or rather I have this strong feeling that was him.

The car just shoot off, but I know the car too well, the driver is still a mystery. Next morning I went out very early to stop by the bank and get stuffs done. I was lining up at the ATM, that VIOS parked!! My heart starts beating faster and he, Azhani steps out. Confirm, it's him..he walks to the next bank in the same row. I don't think that he saw me. I was so nervous that I forgot how to get my top up pin via ATM. He finished at the other bank first. My gaze followed him until he left.

What are the odds to accidentally bumped into the same person at very non normal hours. Is Allah trying to test me? Or is it just mere coincidence.....But I tell you my heart was about to burst at all the coincidences..

We are in the same meeting everyday for this shut down and at the beginning I sat on the same side with him, so I couldn't see his face. Lately we sort of marked our seating place in the meeting and I sat face to face with him at some point. Some time I steal a glance just to look at him. Its just my habit to have a look or at least catch his eye. I am not saying that he did look back at me, but I just like doing that.

I know I like him, but I don't know whether I am bold enough to say that to him. I have this problem of expressing myself. I prayed to Almighty, if at all, there is anybody that is willing to love me and accept me the way I am, please open my heart for him. I couldn't bear the agony of having this unrequited love again. As for Azhani, I don't think I am making any moves, for the time being, let me savour this feeling....not sure when will I feel the same again..

Cinta Dalam Hati

Mungkin ini memang jalan takdirku,
Mengagumi tanpa di cintai,
Tak mengapa bagiku asal kau pun bahagia,
Dengan hidupmu, dengan hidupmu
Telah lama kupendam perasaan itu
Menunggu hatimu menyambut diriku
Tak mengapa bagiku cintaimu pun adalah
Bahagia untukku
Bahagia untukku

Ku ingin kau tahu
Diriku di sini menanti dirimu
Meski ku tunggu
Hingga ujung waktuku
Dan berharap rasa ini kan abadi untuk selamanya
Dan izinkan aku memeluk dirimu kali ini saja
Tuk ucapkan selamat tinggal untuk selamanya
Dan biarkan rasa ini
Bahagia untuk sekejap saja

I've been reading blogs on Monday morning. My boss is out for 2 weeks (school hols!!) . I have tonnes of work and actually good at concentrating...if only the definition goes like this..hehehehe...

Concentration is the ability to think about absolutely nothing when it is absolutely necessary. ~~~Ray Knight

Stumbled upon this one blog (redirected from comments that she made on Dr. M's blog. Interesting actually, she is the same age as I am, an engineer (probably chemical as well..) and not married yet.

But the thing is she is an 'L' and a practising Muslim as well. Which make me think....I am single woman, never been attached. Have not really show my affection to any man in particular. Could I be one of the 'L' community? If you are fitting in the profile, I can definitely match it.

After like 2 minutes of thinking, I am without a doubt convinced myself that I am NOT!! I may have no strong feelings to any man in particular because on the surface, I don't need to. I have a sound job, living my life almost the way that I wanted and best of all I am super-duper independent, which translate to I Don't Need a MAN....yet.

Deep inside I always long for the one that I can rest my head on his shoulder. Listen to me grumbling, complaining all day. Plan our next vacation (I want to go to South Africa for World Cup!!), have children with, teach my kids soccer, do all the manly stuffs in the house for me and that one person to grow old and spend time together with..

With that, I am convinced and still not giving up hope for that person to find me. I don't have the will power to go and search for him. If we are meant to be, we are meant to be. Insyaallah. I am glad that I have not drifted from what I believe is the best way of life, as a Muslim and hopefully Allah will keep me in His path. Let me be safe and take good care of myself until I find him...Aminn....

I am on my second day of my menstruation cycle, and it still hurts like hell!! I am 27 and my puberty was during I was in Form 1 which is like 15 years ago. With each period cycle, I lost one ovum. I have had a very regular cycle, never missed one, as far as I can remember. So to-date I have wasted approx. 180 eggs in total....

I have always wanted to have big family (means lotsa kids..) and by the looks of it, I will be wasting I don't know how many ovum that potentially could be one of my kids. If only I have a donor (which is not allowed in Islam anyway). In a woman's life, she is estimated to produce ~400 ovums upon puberty right until she reached menopause. Which means I still have like 220 ovums allocated for me.

Counting this to the number of years, (if I keep on wasting it) I will be getting into menopause in 18 years time. Oh how I wish I find the right one (and him to find me too) to have family together and I would like to join the production line ASAP..so that my ovum will not be wasted anymore.

Ya Allah, show the right path to me as I do not have the strength to go for any man-hunt for this mission. Let the man you chose for me, accept me the way I am and me too. Let us be united because of you Allah....

....Amin....

I guess by now nobody reads this, so it is my solitude site...

Updates, my father is diagnosed with hepatitis, not sure which type but according to my mother it is chronic..I googled and found out that Hepatitis B can be contracted via sharing the same needle, sexual intercourse and some other ways that is the normal route for HIV to enter the body as well. It is 100X more easily to contract than HIV itself. Now I fear for my mom...

I do expect he will be hit will these kind of disease before he died, and even thought that it is better if he just fall sick, and I can hire people to take care of him and wait for him to die. At least he is not running around trying to find drugs anymore. Every cloud has a silver lining...this is one of the cloud, yet to wait for the silver lining to surface.

The rest of my siblings did not know abt this yet...let it be. I will be able to provide financial help considering I have a sound income now. I am going to put all the things in the past aside, doesn't mean that I can be on good terms with him. I know for sure I am in no position to forgive anybody but at least I am opening my heart to help him....Ya Allah...let me be strong.

My own life, there is nothing to update, I am pretty much the same, my weight haven't change that much. I am more busy than ever, running around and since I am single, nothing much to do except work.

I fear that I will end up living alone, which I am not sure how I would feel. Right now I am loving the freedom of living alone, the fact that I can do anything that I like without having ppl to consult to...

But in 2-3 years time, when all of my friend is married, I have nobody to turn to, no one to hang out with, and no travel buddies, and I must learn to face this world alone...and that is trully reflects that NOBODY'S HERE.

I have had my shares with guys, yet I have never been in a romantic relationship. All I had was few friends, one or two closed male friends and one really special friend (he declared it first before I jumped in the bandwagon. He is Shahrul)

We started off just like any other classmate. Nothing special, we never even had a decent conversation. He is the star of the class and I am Miss Nobody. Somehow or rather we became quite close as we share a lot in common. When both of us pursue the same degree, I guess we became close friend. This is after 3-4 years of frienship. I do not really make good frens with guys as compared to girls. I do have trust issue with guys...

He started slacking off and I was there to support him. At the same time his personal relationship started to fell apart and I think I was among the few shoulders that he cried on. I was caught offguard when he sends me messages saying that I am special. I too was in a way hoping that the relationship to be more than just a friend.

By this time I would have given all my heart to him if only he asked. I know deep inside that he has the same feeling although might not be as intense as how I feel for him. I kept it to myself and was on his back in whatever that he do. Come graduation time, we parted ways. He became more distant. Messages such as 'I miss you' and 'You are special to me' keeps on coming in without any directions. I made up my mind to confront him but he never once wants to meet me. I express it all in a blog as third party and he gets the point. He apologize for leading me on to think that something could have happened between us. I said I forgave him but deep inside I never was....

Contacts were cut off, I deleted him from my frienster list and because we did not hang out with the same circle, there was basically nothing....I miss him like mad and right until now I don't think that I will feel the same way that I feel to him to other person.

Last week I came upon his work mail add. He still sends email to me occasionally (more like once a year). Among classmate we had strings of email that we circulate around and each person adds in new add once we've got to know his/her whereabouts.

I was deliberating the whole afternoon.....(since he slacked off, graduated separately from the rest and I was the only one who still mantain contacts with him, I was the only one who knows it). I feel it is unfair to me to leave him out there, as if disconnecting bridges between us classmates. I have decided to put all the bitter memories with him aside. Let him come back into the loop. I might still have some feelings for him but I would rather let it slide....Have I forgiven him? I don't know.....but then again, who am I to decide whether or not to forgive somebody. I am no better human than he is.

Ya Allah...give me strength to focus on whatever that I am doing right now and please take care of my heart so that I will not feel that hurt again....Amiinnn.....

Petikan di bawah adalah dari buletin seorang kawan...kelakar gile...a nice read...hahahaha..

Di bawah ni dinyatakan isi kandungan manifesto BA utk rakyat selangor...rakyat selangor je...KL,Penang,Perak lain citer...renung2 kan lah...

1. bil air kadar rm35 dan kebawah diberi percuma...syok ooo..kakak aku xpyh bayar bil air...
2. petrol turun 30sen..utk rakyat sgor jelah...nnt kalo nak p mane2 kene pakai name tag kot..tu lah yg "sahabat2" aku nak...
3. harga tol di sgor turun...:D ni aku suke..blh ulang alik ke KL pegi kelab ari2...kan?kan?kan?:P
4. suri rumah x bekerja dpt elaun rm200...fuhh..ni paling syok..mak aku suke..mak ko pun msti suke kan? lo...mak ko x dpt lah..mak ko dok johor...
5. sume yuran sekolah dan ipta free...yebeda beduuuuuuuuu...syoknye kwn2 aku yg amek masters...xpyh korg susah2 byr yuran...
6. bayaran rawatan hspital free..ni aku nak tgk....dah kalo sume free ada untung ka?
7. khairat kematian rm2k utk semua rakyat yg berumur 60 tahun ke atas utk sume bangsa dan agama...
8. semua rakyat sgor dpastikan dpt beli rumah ikut kemampuan....alhamdulillah..jgn janji tggl janji tau...
9. yg ni paling BEST...semua rakyat sgor yg dewasa dpastikan mpunyai pekerjaan...ok..kepada wakil2 rakyatpasti BA..apelagi..aku ni ha dh 5 blnx dpt keje...janji tetap jnji....btl xkwn2?
10. semua gejala sosial akn dibasmi hingga ke akar umbi...koman sgtlah...mule2 haramkan kelab..tu lahpunca gejalasosial...arak,maksiat,apelagi...bohjan..bosia...mak nyah...kelab mlm & pub tuharamkan...bakar bagi hangus
11. basmi rasuah tnp mengira pangkat dan kedudukan...oklah...cube try test tgk ada perubahan ke tak...
12. basmi segala jenis jenayah..bagus..rogol..pecah rumah..curik ayam jiran sebelah..seks bebas..jenayah kan?

tu je lah manifesto yg smpai rmhaku...oops..ada lg satu...manifesto BA jg..ish..berapa byk manifestoda....ada lagi ni...aku tuntut...

1. mbuka tabung permulaan rm100 bg setiap anak kelahiran SGOR...meh lah ramai2 dok p beranak kat sgor deh
2. beri bantuan 75 sebulan bg setiap anak yg dhantar ke nurseri..best niwoo..lepas lah duit minyak seminggu...
3. beri batuan 50 sebulan seorg bg pndidikan pra-sekolah
4. beri hadiah rm1k kpd anak sgor yg dpt tawaran ke unibersiti..waaa....baiknye diorg...dgbagi free blajar u..ni bg hadiahlak....aik...asyik mberi je...bile nak kaya negara kita ni...
5. beri bantuan/biasiswa utk anak sgor....:D
6. ni yg best ni..aku bangga dok sgor...beri bantuan kpd anak2 muda utkmdirikan rumah tangga...

dah byk lagi lah...xlarat aku nakbaca...berpuluh2 muka surat...jgningat aku buat citer lak...x caya mehdtg rumah aku..kita pakat kajimanifesto...aku suke kaji mengkajini..:D mak aku lak x sabar2 nak dpt elaun rm200..aku pun syok jg...so fikir2 kanlah tuan2 danpuan2...sape2 nak share lagi manifestosilalah...aku suke bab2 mengkajini...org johor rugilah ye tak ?

.........hehehehe...no comment, promises has been made, people has been fooled and time to keep the promises no matter at what cost :)...hahahahaaa.... we'll see.

I have been trying for ages to loose weight. Early this year, I started again, this time I am aiming to loose probably few decent kilo in preparation for next shut down in June.

Last year we had another shut down in March and being BIG and FAT as I am, I do turn many heads, a 90+ kg woman walking around in coverall climbing columns and entering vessels, instructing stuffs to a bunch of guys. Yup, I do stands out, and for not so good reason.

I am a very private person. People only know what they see. Anything beyond that I would not disclose and surely being at the centre of attention is not to my liking. Hence, for this coming shut down, I am planning to slim down untill when I am in coverall, people don't really recognise me and I will not turn any head anymore. Hopefully I am able to do that. To-date I have lost a good 3kg in my first month.

I have to keep the motivation high to achieve my target before June. I want to do this quietly and and the rest of the ppl did not realise how much pounds I have shed off.

Ya Allah....give me strength to wake up in the wee hours to exercise and give me patience to control my urge to eat.....Amin.......

Sebagai penghargaan terhadap rasa kenegaraan yang membuak-buak semenjak 2-3 minggu ini, coretan ini akan ditulis dalam Bahasa Melayu.

Demam pilihanraya dah kembali dan kiri kanan jalan(dan rumah, restoran, masjid?,hentian bas dan pokok-pokok) kian dipenuhi pelbagai warna melambangkan betapa meriahnya rakyat Malaysia. Fenomena yang biasa dapat kita lihat selang 3-5 tahun. Pastinya sentimen dan fahaman politik makin menebal dalam sanubari kebanyakan warga Malaysia.

Aku akan menunaikan tanggungjawab buat pertama kali biarpun usia sudah menjangkau 27tahun. (Tahun 2004 tak sempat mendaftar, terlampau sibuk dengan hal duniawi yang lain..) Tatkala ini ramai yang menjadi pembanci tak rasmi dan mula menghakimi orang lain berdasarkan parti yang dipilih...Teman serumah ada jawapan yang amat bernas jika ditanya.."'Undi siapa?". dengan selamba dia menjawab..."Undi adalah rahsia...satu undi untuk negara.." :)

Minggu lepas aku terima mesej, bunyinya lebih kurang begini....

"P*S T*l*k Kemang is having a campaign to collect donation for the coming election.....bla..bla...bla..."

Lebih kurang macam itulah isi kandungannya, segera aku padam mesej itu, rasa agak meluat dan jelek pun ada. Dengan gaji tak seberapa dan bermacam tanggungan serta hutang keliling pinggang, aku tak akan sanggup untuk menyalurkan hasil titik peluhku ke situ. Bukanlah aku benci sangat dengan kumpulan orang-orang itu, tetapi perjuangan mereka yang tidak pernah menampakkan hasil dan kadangkala hujah-hujah yang tidak berasas. Tidak perlu aku bincang dengan lebih lanjut...

Detik-detik begini banyak menguji sejauh mana yakinnya kita pada pemimpin yang kita, makin hari, makin banyak hasutan-hasutan dan racun yang mula menggoyah pendirian. Bagi aku, setakat ini aku puas dengan apa yang ada. Sebagai salah seorang yang tak putus-putus hidupnya dibantu oleh subsidi, aku bersyukur dan harapnya keadaan tak akan berubah.

Sentimen ini begitu kuat kerana mengenangkan jika tiada BKP (biasiswa kecil persekutuan), aku mungkin tidak cukup kelengkapan untuk belajar. Bantuan Makanan Bulanan yang kami terima dari Baitulmal tiap-tiap bulan membolehkan kami sekeluarga makan seperti orang lain (walaupun hari-hari makan ikan sardin...) Jika benar masalah rasuah bagai dikata, bantuan sedimikian tidak akan berterusan selama lebih 10 tahun...renung-renungkan. Susah nak mempertahankan kerajaan yang dibelenggu rasuah pada tahap serius...contoh terdekat lihat Indonesia. Jika dibuat perbandingan, sekali lagi rasa bersyukur timbul...

Aku akui, kerajaan kita tidaklah bersih bagai dikata...cuba cari, manakah kerajaan di dunia kini yang 100% bersih?? Brunei yang kononnya 'Islamic' pun ada 'jerangkung dalam almari' (terjemahan langsung dari peribahasa Inggeris...;)

Untung nasibku pada 1998 dan 1999 PTPTN mula diperkenalkan, jikalau tidak aku pasti susah untuk melanjutkan pelajaran ke IPTA. IPTS apatah lagi..tak terdaya aku nak membayar yuran bulanannya yang melebihi anggaran perbelanjaan makanku untuk setahun...

Banyak janji-janji pihak P*S dan sekutunya untuk memansuhkan pembayaran balik pinjaman tersebut....di manakah logiknya? hapuskan tol? hapuskan cukai? Dari mana akan datangnya pendapatan negara? Bagaimana nak melaksanakan rancangan pembangunan?
Walaupun aku tidaklah sehebat mana mendalami ilmu agama, tapi dalam Islam tidak pernah menggalakkan umatnya sampai begitu ekstrem.

Masih banyak ruang untuk pembangunan dalam kerajaan yang sedia ada dan kepercayaanku masih teguh bahawa mereka akan terus memacu pembangunan negara.
Oh ya.. terlupa lagi satu sentimen yang kerap dimainkan...jangan undi orang bukan Islam, tandanya bersekutu dengan orang kafir..hhmmm...Ahli Parlimenku seorang berbangsa Cina dan bilik gerakannya hanya di depan blok rumah flet aku. (Percaya atau tidak, bilik gerakan ini berfungsi setiap masa...walaupun bukan musim pilihanraya...)

Keluarga kami tiada pertalian dengan mana-mana Pegawai Gred A kakitangan kerajaan..jadi bayangkanlah tika nak memohon ke mana-mana (sekolah berasrama, IPTA dan macam-macam hal lagi..) cop pegawai gred A amatlah bernilai...dan saat-saat itu, fungsi Ahli Parlimen dan Wakil Rakyat amat ketara. Walau kecil (hanya cop dan tandatangan) dan masa yang amat singkat dicurahkan..(tak sampai 30 minit untuk satu-satu urusan..), jasanya amat aku dan adik beradik hargai...sungguh!!!
Ramai yang tidak sedar akan perkara sekecil begini kerana majoriti dan kebanyakan orang ada 'saudara' atau kawan ayah dan sebagainya untuk selesaikan urusan sekecil itu. Nasib orang yang berbeza dan itu membuatkan aku lebih bersyukur...

Jadi, jika aku terus memilihnya untuk berkhidmat di kawasanku, adakah aku akan dikategorikan sebagai bersubahat dengan orang kafir?? Aku tak pandai dalam ilmu agama dan banyak lagi yang perlu aku dalami untuk menjawab pada hujah ini. Tapi buat masa ini, aku akan tetapkan pendirian untuk buat apa yang patut dan 'fit for purpose' (yang ini sukar untuk diterjemah??tolong.....)

Jadi, keputusannya, marilah mengundi...atau tidak, tepuk dada, jangan tanya selera, tanya akal. Jika anda rasa tak sanggup 'bersekongkol' dengan orang kafir....faham-faham sahajalah...Jika itu tidak menjadi isu...pilihlah dengan bijak!!! :)

SELAMAT MENUNAIKAN TANGGUNGJAWAB SEBAGAI WARGA MALAYSIA!!

A friend's father just passed away yesterday morning. And another friend had stayed in hospital for 3 nights straight spending time with her sick father who is down with heart attack. I feel sad for them.

I feel sad for other ppl, but at the same time I wish it was me in their shoes. Yup, I want my old man dead. Cruel?ungrateful?rude? call me whatever you want. At this moment, hate is so under rated if I described my feelings to the old man.

What makes me so angry with him? He was, and still a drug addict BIG time!! he started using drugs (heroine and opium in this case) since before he met my mother. They got married and still the habit did not dies...Later my sister was born and he was still on drugs. When I was born, he's still on drugs...After my younger sister hits 3-4 yrs old he was caught and sent to Rehab.

My mom who actually earn the living that time. Throughout our lives, there has too many occasion that the police comes to the house, take him away. Or he just dissapeared for days and 2 weeks later we found out that he is already sent to some rehab.

He had also did his time because of variuos offense. I believed he was even once a snatch thief!!! It was 4-5 years back, when he was released from prison, we the sisters decided that we are not going to bother about him anymore. Enough is enough, we did not speak to him, basically giving him the cold treatment. We are tired, but my mom is the guardian angel to him. She always and always took care of him, and willing to receive him no matter what he has done. We are so SICK.

To make things worst, she is on his side. We are accused as the rude ones, Words just cannot describe how much hate do we have for him. I will despise him for the rest of my life. At least that's what I feel for quite some time already.

If I were to write about all the things that he did and all the instances that we fought with mom just because of him, this post won't end. 2-3 years back, I prayed for him to die, so that WE can rest in peace. At the age of 57 he is still on drugs. Who in this goddamn earth at that age cares about drugs anymore???He is sneaky, pretending that he didn't do it, but we have lived too long with an addict. We can spot one once we see it.

For now I am just praying for patience for me and my sisters to go through the days whilst tolerates with both him and mum. Deep inside I wish him DEAD, but I don't pray for it anymore.

YA ALLAH....guide us, give us patience to deal with this...amin.....

I have few groups of friends. First, the one in high school.We were classmate in Form 1 and parted ways later on but still friendship remains till today. One of us is always the consistent one trying to get ppl together and I would try my best effort to attend. I am glad to join, and sometimes I came up with a plan as well.

Second one is my uni friend, even this I have two groups. One that I study with (i.e classmate) and another is the one I live with. I am quite close with both. There are 10 in the 'classmate' group. They live close to one another while I lived in different part of the campus. When we graduated I did not really see them any more. having said that, I do try to schedule a time to meet but always the case that they won't even come to KL to meet me. I am supposed to be the one that goes to Shah Alam, or any other place to meet them. I have heard of some of them jalan-jalan kat KL (Times Square and such...). You know its just freaking 20 minutes from my place!!! Even now I will still try to meet them in Shah Alam. I have never demanded to meet them in KL coz I know that they'll give tonnes of excuses...busy..bla..bla..KL is far...bla..bla...

The second group is the one I live with. Since we belong to the same batch of this particular extra curricular activities, we have to live together. There are if I am not mistaken 30 girls in one batch. I am OK with most of them and quite close with a few. For this group I feel belong to. Some of them has been to my house. Mind you, we took 2 buses and it is a long journey from Shah Alam considering the traffic and all....when we graduated, I did organise quite a few things just to get ppl together.

Last year, I think I have organised all the trips to some of the girl's kenduri. I did not missed even one. But always happens that I put the effort of initiating things, and then asking them to come, some answered. For those who did not answer...ask again...and again...Everything is not firm untill last minute canceled because they have something....Not all are like that but it is damn frustrating!!! I double and sometimes triple, quadraple confirm their attendance!!!!

There is also few ppl that NEVER showed up to any of the trip, main excuse is work!!! are you going to work around the clock? None---not a single activities that they join. If you do not wish to be in the circle anymore, just let me know, and I'll remove you from the mailing list. Coming March, there will be another kenduri and I am organising, except that this time I only extend to those that I know will attend.

Can I just delete the number of those that never responded or never showed up? As long as I have the number, I'll still forward the invitation to them and end up I feel irritated. Tell me is it so hard to make time to meet your friend?? Am I that worthless to you? And is it worth it to have this kind of friend anyway????

.......p(*0*)q.........

My name consist of two words but I have always let ppl call me by the second name which is **ita. When I met new ppl, always introduce myself as whole **ita. Even among friends they'll call me the same. Only some called me **. Not really many ppl call me ita. This is probably because my roommate in uni is also called ita, so that is just to distinguished between the two of us.

Having spent the last weekend watching DVDs all day long, I have watched an Indonesian movie titled Selamanya (Forever). The leading lady's name was Aristha and was called 'Tha' for short. There is also another movie Ada Apa Dengan Cinta and the heroine was called 'Ta' for short as well.

Sounded incomplete but to me it sounds special...it was said that calling ppl with a one syllable makes u feel closer to them. There is one person that I can recall called me by 'Ta', a classmate whom too lazy to pronounce the whole name ;p

Also there are few ppl that called me *ita, this one makes me feel special too as that name reminds me of celebrities ;)

Well I still like simple 'Ta' the most, but so far none of the ppl that close to me or at least in my circle that call me by that. Waiting for that special someone to call me by the name.

........m(_ _)m......

Call me a dumbass or what, finally gets to publish my second post in this page ;) I failed last time with the same blog. I am IT blind though..hehehe..actually do have a lot of free time for this CNY weekend since I am stuck here, on duty.
Spend the last two days watching the VCD set of Full House (Korean version) and crying miserably for the fact that I am still single and nobody wants me. Even people who likes each other findings difficulties to express themselves, let alone me whom I have never found ANYONE who likes me.
Happy for my second post..hehehe....

....\(^o^)/......smiling all the way......

Tempted to see my writings in new form, set up new blog in blogspot. Already has one account before but forgotten the password and username. Actually I have a friendster account and so happen also a blog, however blogspot gives better look to the post and no harm trying one.



Am trying to have a split personality, means whatever I posted in Friendster blog won't link to this blog and vice versa. Why do I need to do this? Simply because I am hiding lotsa stuffs and trust me am good at that. None of my friends knows it and would like to keep it that way. Why do I set up this account? I need an outlet to all the things that I have been keeping to myself and writing is the only way that I can let it out.